When they tried to talk about the affair and their relationship, neither could seem to find the right words to be understood. Bill had never felt more profoundly alone in his life. He couldn't imagine being able to restore the closeness he and Mary had once enjoyed, but he also couldn't imagine living without her. When he tried to explained how he felt wounded deeper than he had ever experienced before - he ended up repeating how hurt he was. Mary responded by saying how sorry she was. But Bill didn't feel understood and Mary didn't know what else to do.
Eventually Bill grew tired to trying to explain his hurt, and Mary seemed tired of trying to understand. They needed some space before they could get their relationship back and avoid divorce. They could find a way through the pain and enjoy the magic of making up. Most people don't marry just because they can get along with each other without arguing. They also don't marry just because they share common interests. Most people enter into a long term committed relationship because they feel special to each other.
They often feel uniquely understood - able to talk about deep feelings and disclose personal things they ordinarily wouldn't share with any-one else. When the relationship is working well, there's an underlying foundations of trust and security. The ability and opportunity to share deep feelings, to have these feelings heard and understood, and to experience warm and tender caring the very core of intimacy. You can get it back with the right help.
An affair shatters this foundation, especially for the injured partner. The person you counted on most for caring, to be faithful, to provide support when life is most difficult is no longer reliable. The future of the relationship seems in doubt. It no longer feels safe to express feelings that make you vulnerable. Being hurt definitely makes you feel vulnerable, so much of your hurt is transformed into anger or rage. Time to get help and restore their relationship.
Anger and depression, fight and flight, attack and withdrawal may alternate in rapid or unpredictable ways. In the midst of this chaos, the ability to express yourself clearly, in a way that can be heard and understood by your partner, is as difficult as it is vital. When you both feel understood, you can take advantage of the problem solving skills available here. And for the inevitable moments when discussions become too difficult or too heated, quidelines will help you get your ex back. It's simple not reasonable to expect to be able to keep cool, calm and collected when you try to talk about an affair.
It may help, however, to keep in mind three things: Keep the discussion balanced. Keep them focused. Prevent further damage. These are effective principles for making conversations productive, but of course sticking to them can be difficult, which is why we offer specific tips for doing. Get advice now and start moving forward.
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